


Wasteland Deity

by nymqhadora



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Depression, Emotions, Feelings, Love, Love Poems, Other, Poetry, Sadness, Triggers, thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-08 03:32:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 3,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13449636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nymqhadora/pseuds/nymqhadora
Summary: Literally just wanted to share some poetry I write on Tumblr and stuff. A lot of it is just whatever comes out of my jumbled head. So read if you want. Just want a platform in which to keep them. TRIGGER WARNINGS.





	1. Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 05-15-2017 | Depression

I spent years trying to learn how to breathe. I spent years trying to learn how to control the tremble in my hands. I spent years trying to thin out the traffic in my head.

Yesterday, I couldn't catch my breath. My lungs labored and I gripped the bed sheets in panic.  
Yesterday, I dropped the fork in my hand. It clattered onto my plate and my family stared as my hands moved in quakes.  
Yesterday, I didn't hear what my sister was trying to tell me. I was going through so many thoughts in my head that I wasn't even aware of someone I loved.

I spent years wishing away my sadness but shooting stars were never my friends. And I wanted to be better but that wasn't the case in the end. The storms within my body rage and clash. And I'm falling to pieces, burning out and turning to ash.  
I spent years hoping that I would survive.  
But this isn't what it means to be alive.  
And I hate to admit it but what was left of me has already died.

I spent years trying to learn how to breathe.


	2. Therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 05-15-2017 | Depression & Recovery

I choke over my words, my sickness coming up my throat, somehow my scars are fading but I can still feel the cut, and the purple constellations above my bed make my heart feel not so dead, I can feel the demons leaving, but somehow I'm still not believing, I don't remember what it was like to be free.

I'm so used to pretending, that I'm perfectly okay, and now that my heart is restarting, I can't tell if I'm still acting, I can feel my broken bones healing, and somehow I can get up again, is this what it was like to be me?

I choke over my words, my sickness coming up my throat, somehow my scars are fading, and the pain almost seems like it was never there, I almost feel free, therapy.


	3. Growing Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 09-16-2017 | Depression & Panic

The idea of growing up and leaving has me unable to breathe. I start to cry, I start to weep, I start to drown in all that was me. I can't seem to find the strength or the motivation to carry on. To take that extra leap and move on. I can't get over the hill of my sorrow. I just can't...not even tomorrow. And I'm trying to be at peace with all that I am but I can't seem to find anything that is real in me. All that I see is that of graveyards and empty space. I don't recognize this face. And I want to cut lines into my thighs and just forget the world. But I know if I did I would reach a point where there is no return, no carrying on. And I wish I had a gun, so I could just end it now. But even then, I don't want to do that. I'm at a crossroads. My future is up ahead, and the end is right. I don't know what's left or behind but storms are rolling over those hills. Do I take direction or do I just run through the fields. Maybe I need help but where has that gotten me? Left at nowhere with rocks in my pockets. And I don't know where to go. Or how to try. All I know is that I don't want to die.


	4. Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 05-14-2017 | Abuse & Love

I lick my lips, feeling the abuse in my busted lip, I wonder if you can taste the blood, when you kiss me. I can feel you crawling all over my skin, leaving bruises where your fingers touch. I hate to see you smile, hate to see you, I want to forget the way my heart leaps every time you're there. I never believed something I loved could hurt me, but then I heard your voice and the way you looked with her. The way she smiled with your hand on her waist, and the smile you threw my way, I used to believe you didn't want to hurt me.

But I'm addicted to the way that you lie, I light up when you say it's not real. But the bruises she leaves on your neck, reminds me that this is not real. Not at all. I'm so used to your abuse taking away the pain, kissing your knuckles after they're stained with my blood. And when I speak ill of you I wash my mouth out with soap, afraid you can taste the guilt on my tongue. I used to believe I deserved this.

Then I saw you with her. Your gentle touches against her skin, the way you keep her from getting hurt. I hate the way my skin burns remembering you there, the fear in my chest when you call. So I'm going to take control, burn your shirts in the sink. What did you think? That I would let you destroy me? Girls like me can make you beg. I'm pretty sure I can hurt you too. I always wondered what it would be like with your blood on my skin. I'll make you regret every hit and bruise. Every bad thing you ever whispered in my ear, comes pouring out with every hit to your head. Honey, I'm not just some doll for you to break.

I used to believe you didn't want to hurt me.


	5. Abuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 09-16-2017 | Abuse

I wanted you there. There when the grief in me drowned my lungs and burrowed into my heart. I wanted you there. Not just your body but in mind. You were always playing the victim. You wanted me to pretend that everything was my fault even when your fist collided with my cheek bone. You wanted me to believe that you were right and I was wrong.

You took me back to days when I would write poetry in the dark as I would hear the bed creak through the walls while my parents made love. You took me back to a time when sleep was nothing to me and my art defied gravity. You took me back to a time when I felt infinite. And maybe that's why I kept you near. Even when the bruises on my thighs looked like lost galaxies and my eyes were heavy with you. I kept you near because you took me back to a time when I was free.

But now as I sit at the end of the bed while you drink away what life is left in you, I know that I can't pretend and I won't. Because I'm tired of making excuses for the way you were brought up. I'm tired of pretending that I can cure you when all that I am is a temporary fix. I don't want to be that cliche. I don't want to be that woman. I will fight my way through the darkened streets with demons at my heels if it means that I can get away from you. I'm not afraid of the dark. I've been here before.

I wanted you there. Like I tried to be there for you. And maybe you did try and I was too blind to see. But either way a fist to my stomach has told me that enough is enough. I will not fight for you. I will not lie for you. I will not love you even if I do. Because your abuse has taught me that you're the liquor on my lips, the cigarette between my fingertips. You are walking death with your hands on my hips. Everything that is bad for me. I will not love you even if I do.


	6. Fucked Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 06-10-2016 | Abuse & Lust

He fucked me up. He ripped me open and deemed it wise to cut my lungs into pieces, and sew them back together. It was his way of making me feel like i was always drowning. He dipped me in a bathtub full of glitter because he wanted me to sparkle like the porcelain he was convinced i should have been made of. He fucked me up.

And then i thought i had gotten away. Putting my trust in a man dressed up. This one didn't keep me captive, no collar around my throat. I sat on the sidewalk clawing at my skin because feeling nothing was the greater sin. And i got sick of someone telling me to believe in god, because i was tired of believing in things that weren't really there. He fucked me up. I escaped but came back for old time's sake.

I don't know why i did it. That's a lie. I know why. I just don't want to admit it. The moment i came back was like he was taking down a neglected doll to dust. Like i hadn't left. And i didn't. My mind was still embedded with every 'i don't love you' he shot my way. Fuck, this is what you do. Isn't it? You make me romanticize every fucking fucked up thought in my head. Because every ounce of pain you caused me made me feel alive.

You fucked me up.  


	7. I Didn't Want to Make This About Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 06-10-2016 | Abuse & Victimization

I didn't want to make this about him. But God it is. It's all about him. From the plaster on the walls to the blood stain on the carpet, it's about him. I loved him. And I don't say that lightly. It kills me inside to say it, to utter it. And every time he makes me say it, it's like a piece of my soul is ripped from me. I feel torn. I am torn. I am a torn magazine, a beat up old book, forgotten paper in a waste basket. I am nothing to him and that kills me in ways that I can barely explain.

And when he takes me by the chin and demands that I tell him I love him, I ache far inside, in my aorta, in the depths of me. And when he pushes me away so he can go out into the night and find someone else to love him too, pieces of me decay like flowers wilted away. And I am lost without him. I am lost without his abuse, without his attention and his necessity. I crave him in ways that you couldn't possibly understand.

I want to bleed into the concrete under me. I want to be stepped on and spread thin across the pavement. I wanted this. I wanted him. And no one understands that. No one gets that I asked for this. I wanted it. I truly did. I am not a victim. I refuse to be. Because I asked for him, and when I got him things just became bitter sweet.

I didn't want to make this about him. But God it is.


	8. A Piece of Your Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 06-10-2016 | Love & Heartbreak

I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR DARK CLOUD.  
I DON'T WANT TO BE THE STORM THAT YOU FIGHT AGAINST.  
I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEAR THE THUNDER IN OUR HEARTS, OR THE LIGHTNING RUNNING THROUGH OUR VEINS.

I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR PLUTO.  
I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ASTEROID THAT YOU THROW AWAY.  
REMEMBER THE STARS THAT YOU USED TO SEE, WHEN YOU GAZED INTO THE DEPTHS OF ME.

I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR NIGHTMARE.  
I DON'T WANT TO BE THE STORY YOU'VE FORGOTTEN.  
BECAUSE IT'S BEEN FOREVER NOW, AND YOU'RE STILL IN MY DREAMS, HAUNTING MY POETRY..


	9. You Saw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 06 - 10 - 2016 | Love & Heartbreak

YOU SAW A CHILD TO FIX. DARKNESS IN A KIND SOUL. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WORSE, FINDING OUT THIS SOUL HAS ALWAYS BEEN POISONED OR REALIZING THAT THE CHILD WAS BEYOND REPAIR.  
I SAW PLUTO. YOU WERE MY PLANET AND MY STARS. I SAW SOMEONE MY BEING WAS DRAWN TO. LIKE MAGNETS, AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO SWITCH CHARGES.   
FALLING FOR YOU WAS TRAGIC. AN INFINITE AMOUNT OF HURT IN MY HEART, AND I CAN'T SEEM TO FIX MY BONES WHERE YOU SHATTERED THEM WITH YOUR CARE. I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU, I WOULDN'T DARE. BUT YOU HURT ME.  
I WAS A CHILD BEYOND REPAIR, BUT I BANDAGED MYSELF AND GOT BETTER. YOU WERE A DREAM, BUT I GUESS I WAS BLIND. BECAUSE YOU WERE NEVER FOR ME, NEVER COULD BE MINE.   
YOU SAW WHAT I COULDN'T SEE, THAT I WAS WORTH INFINITY.


	10. Not Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 01 - 29 - 2017 | Heartbreak

MY HATE SWALLOWS ME WHOLE. I KNOW NO BORDERS TO THE RAGE I CAN FEEL. MY SADNESS BECOMES ME AND THAT IS NOT OKAY.

I HATE THAT SHE IS THE ONE TO CATCH YOUR EYE. THE THOUGHT OF YOU TOUCHING HER MAKES MY VEINS BOIL. YOU LOVE HER AND I AM BROKEN, AND THAT IS NOT OKAY.

I CANNOT SWITCH MY FEELINGS ON AND OFF LIKE A LIGHT. BUT I WISH I COULD. BECAUSE MY EMOTIONS ARE NOT MISTS OR RIPPLES, THEY ARE HURRICANES AND FLOODS THAT SHATTER ME TO THE CORE. I FEEL TOO MUCH AND THAT IS NOT OKAY.

I WISH I COULD SAY THAT I AM HAPPY FOR YOU BUT MY SKIN CRAWLS JUST TRYING TO FORM THE WORDS. I WISH I COULD JUST LET IT BE BUT MY MIND IS PLAGUED AND I CANNOT MAKE IT GO AWAY. I AM SELFISH AND SPITEFUL, AND THAT IS NOT OKAY.

I DESPERATELY WISH I HAD BEAUTY. I DESPERATELY WISH I COULD, FOR ONCE, BE THE ONE. BUT I AM MUD AND TREE BARK, I AM THE EARTH WHEN YOU LONG FOR THE SKY.

I AM ME, AND THAT IS NOT OKAY..


	11. Childhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 01 - 29 - 2017 | Childhood & Self-Loathing

I AM FICKLE AND SMALL. ALWAYS HAVE BEEN, ALWAYS TOLD SO. I AM SPECIAL AND UNIQUE. ALWAYS HAVE BEEN, ALWAYS TOLD SO. THEY STACKED SHAPES AND I MADE STARS. THEY TRIED TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE PICTURE AND I TURNED IT INSIDE OUT. I AM SMART AND STRONG. ALWAYS HAVE BEEN, ALWAYS TOLD SO..

I AM WHAT THEY MADE OF ME. I AM THEIR STORY. AND WHEN I WOKE UP ONE NIGHT AND DECIDED TO LIVE OUTSIDE OF THEIR OUTLINE, I WAS LOST.

I HAD BEEN TOLD ALL MY LIFE THAT I WAS THIS AND WHEN I FINALLY SAW THAT I WAS THAT, I COULDN'T STAND UPRIGHT OR WALK STRAIGHT. I COULDN'T WRITE THE WAY I WAS TAUGHT. I COULDN'T TIE MY SHOES THE WAY I WAS SHOWN.

I DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT IN MY OWN SKIN, MY FACE SEEMED LIKE A STRANGER. AND I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHAT I SOUNDED LIKE OR WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY. I WAS THEIR STORY AND WHEN IT CAME TIME TO WRITE MY OWN, I COULDN'T FORM THE WORDS. .

I WAS RAISED TO BELIEVE WHAT I WAS TOLD. AND WHEN I FINALLY REALIZED THAT THINGS WEREN'T THE WAY I WAS TOLD, I NO LONGER BELIEVED IN WHAT I WAS.

I SPENT YEARS FINDING MYSELF, DIGGING INTO MY SKIN TO TRY AND FIND ME UNDERNEATH. IF I HAD JUST BEEN GIVEN THE CHOICE TO BE WHO I WANTED TO BE FROM THE BEGINNING, MAYBE MY WORLD WOULD HAVE STOPPED SPINNING. AND ALL THE PAIN WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN..

I AM FICKLE AND SMALL. I AM SPECIAL AND UNIQUE. I AM SMART AND STRONG. I AM WHAT I MADE OF ME.


	12. Depth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 01 - 29 - 2017 | Love & Heartbreak

I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE DEPTH OF MY EMOTIONS. HOW DIVING INTO WHAT I'M FEELING CAN SEEM LIKE A BOTTOMLESS SEA. I REIGN THEM IN AND TRY TO STAY SILENT BUT THEY ESCAPE ME.

SO WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? DID YOU THINK I WOULD LOVE YOU IN PASSING? I TRIED NOT TO LOVE YOU AND MONUMENTALLY FAILED. I COULD NOT LIMIT MY HEART AND MY BEING WAS OVERWHELMED.

I CAN'T ACCURATELY EXPLAIN HOW I FEEL WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, HEAR YOU, OR THINK OF YOU. I CAN'T EXPLAIN SOMETHING I DON'T UNDERSTAND. INTIMACY WAS NEVER SOMETHING I CONSIDERED TO BE DESIRED. I CRINGE AT THE TOUCH OF ANYONE'S FINGERS. I PANIC AT AFFECTION BUT I FIND MYSELF NEEDING TO TOUCH YOU.

MY EMOTIONS HAVE NEVER BEEN TAMED. I FEEL INFINITY AND IT OFTEN BREAKS ME. I DON'T FEEL RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND. AND THAT SCARES ME.

I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE DEPTH OF MY EMOTION.


	13. Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 01 - 29 - 2017 | Depression & Hate

THE PROBLEM WASN'T THE SILENCE OR THE DARK. THE PROBLEM WASN'T THE LONELINESS OR THE PAIN. THE PROBLEM...WASN'T A CLICHE.

THE SUN MOCKED ME AND TOOK WHAT WAS MINE. TO PAY FOR THE DAY, HE SAID, I WILL TAKE WHAT I FIND. AND HE STOLE THE LAST LIGHT IN ME AND SAID I WOULD BE FINE.

BUT I WASN'T, I NEVER WAS.

I KNOW MY WORDS HURTS AND MY MIND IS CONFUSED. I KNOW I SHUT DOWN AND BLOW OUT THE FUSE. I KNOW MY FINGERS ARE PAINTED IN HATE AND THAT WHETHER OR NOT I AM SELFLESS DETERMINES MY FATE.

BUT I DON'T CARE, I HAVEN'T IN A LONG TIME.

THE PROBLEM WASN'T THE SUN OR THE PIERCING LIGHT OF DAY. THE PROBLEM WASN'T THE BLAME OR THE HATE. THE PROBLEM...

THE PROBLEM WAS ME.


	14. Constellations & Contradictions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 01 - 22 - 2018 | Love & Hate

I HATE SOUNDING LIKE THE VICTIM BECAUSE I KNOW I MADE A MESS OF YOU TOO. I DON'T WANT YOU TO HATE ME, AND I DON'T HATE YOU, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. NO MATTER HOW MUCH THIS FEELING BREAKS ME DOWN, I'VE NEVER MINDED BEING WEAK FOR YOU. BECAUSE WITH YOU EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT ME CONNECTS LIKE A CONSTELLATION..

AND ISN'T THAT QUITE THE CONTRADICTION?


	15. Mermaids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 01 - 22 - 2018 | Love & Heartbreak

I HAVE A FEAR OF MERMAIDS. I FEAR THE MYTHICAL VICIOUSNESS OF MY OWN HEART. I FEAR THE WAY MY NAILS DIG INTO MY PALMS THINKING ABOUT THE OTHER MAIDENS WHO KEEP YOUR SMILES. I FEAR THE GORE BEHIND MY GIGGLES. I COULD HURT YOU JUST AS MUCH AS YOU'VE HURT ME. I COULD LURE YOU INTO THE DEPTHS OF ME JUST FOR FUN. I COULD CRUSH YOU WITH WANT UNTIL YOUR DROWNING, AS YOU'VE DROWNED ME. I COULD BE LIKE THE SIRENS IN THE STORIES. I COULD KILL YOU WITH MY BEAUTY. BUT I AM NOT A MERMAID, I AM NOT A MYTHICAL STATE OF MIND THAT YOU CAN JUST PUSH ASIDE...

I HAVE A FEAR OF MERMAIDS.


	16. Haunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 01 - 22 - 2018 | Love & Heartbreak

YOU HAUNT ME. A GHOST WANDERING IN MY MIND AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXORCISE YOU OUT. YOU HAVE A HOLD ON ME AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BREAK IT. HOW ARE YOU SO DEEPLY INGRAINED IN ME? ETCHED ON MY BONES, AND IN MY VEINS.

MY MIND BETRAYS ME. YOU TOUCH ME IN MY DREAMS AND I CAN'T ENDURE IT. YOU BURN ME WHERE YOU LOVE AND YOU HURT ME WHERE YOU CARE. DREAMS BECOME NIGHTMARES AND YOU'RE THE STAR. I WANT AND I ACHE BUT IT'S NOT REAL.

DO I HAUNT YOU? HAVE I LEFT A MARK ON YOU LIKE YOU'VE LEFT ON ME? ARE MY WORDS CARVED INTO YOUR BONES, AM I LIKE A POISON PULSING THROUGH YOUR VEINS? DO YOU DREAM OF TOUCHING ME LIKE YOU NEVER DID, AM I YOUR NIGHTMARE TOO?

I'M SO AFRAID OF LOVING AGAIN. LOVING YOU HURT, IT CONSUMED MY BEING WITH A NEED I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND. IT DESTROYED ME, PUT ME IN SCATTERED PIECES I COULDN'T FIND. I LOVE FIERCELY, VIOLENTLY. I WON'T SURVIVE ANOTHER WOUND.

I DESPERATELY HOPE THAT I LINGER IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND. I CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT THAT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ME. THAT I'M STILL HURTING AND YOU'RE JUST FINE. I'M DROWNING AND YOU'VE LEARNED TO FLOAT. I'M JUST ANOTHER MEMORY, AND YOU STILL HAUNT ME.


	17. Aromantic (I Loved Once)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 01 - 22 - 2018 | Love, Heartbreak, & Sexuality

YOU WERE THE SUBJECT OF MY DREAMS, FILLING THE SCREEN, AND DEMANDING ATTENTION. I LOVED WHEN LOVING WAS WRONG, I FOUGHT, BUT MY HEART DEMANDED ACTION. MY BEING HAS NEVER HURT AS YOU HURT ME, NEVER FELT AS I FELT, YOU WERE MY DESTRUCTION. MY HEART DOES NOT LOVE AS IT LOVED YOU, NO ONE ELSE HAS KILLED ME AS YOU KILLED ME, MY BEING'S SORDID EVOLUTION. NOW YOU NO LONGER COMMAND MY DREAMS, YOU ARE FURNITURE, AN INK STAIN UPON MY MEMORIES. DECIDING NEVER TO LOVE AGAIN WAS MY ONLY RESOLUTION, THE PAIN BURNED MY NERVES, AND DECIDING NEVER TO LOVE WAS THE ONLY DECISION.


	18. The Abyss Loved a Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 05 - 04 -2018 | Love, memories, & the ocean

HE LAID HER GENTLY ON THE SAND. THE CHARCOAL GREY IMPRINTING LIKE CONSTELLATIONS ACROSS HER SKIN. HIS GAZE DRIFTED TO THE SEA... HOW GENTLY HE WISHED TO SLEEP.

POSEIDON STOLE A MAIDEN AND THAT WASN'T FAIR. SO HE SENT MIDNIGHT SEASHELLS TO ADORN HER CLOUDY BED. THE WAVES CRASHED WITH A MELANCHOLIC INTIMACY. THE SILENCE CARESSED IN BETWEEN WHAT WAS NEVER SAID.

HE STARED AT THE END OF THE EARTH AND WONDERED WHY THE ABYSS LOVED LOST THINGS. SHE WASN'T MEANT TO BE THERE, ANYWHERE, AND SO THE OCEAN BLANKETED HER GENTLY TO SLEEP.


	19. Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 08 - 20 - 2018 | Sexuality

'PROVE IT,' THEY DEMAND.

I STARE IN THEIR DISBELIEF AND MOCK; AND I WONDER...HOW CAN I DESCRIBE TO THEM THE BREATH SHE STOLE FROM ME WAS A BURDEN I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED LIFTED? HOW CAN I TELL THEM THAT HER BITE WAS EXQUISITE? HOW DO I RELAY THE FIRE IN MY VEINS WHEN I REALIZED THAT HER TOUCH WAS DIVINE? HOW CAN I MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND THAT IN THAT MOMENT SHE WAS UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY MINE?

I DON'T. I DO NOT OWE THEM EVIDENCE OF A TRUTH I ALWAYS KNEW. I DO NOT NEED TO SHARE THIS MOMENT FOR THE SAKE OF VALIDITY.

SHE WAS FIRE.

SHE WAS BITE.

'PROVE IT,' THEY DEMAND.

'NO.'


	20. Prozac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 08 - 20 -2018 | Mental Illness and Self-Image

IMAGINE FEELING COMFORTABLE IN YOUR OWN BODY BUT NOT IN YOUR OWN MIND. IMAGINE SALVATION FROM INSECURITY COMING IN THE FORM OF A TURQUOISE PILL. THE CONTRADICTION.

MY MIND IS ILL.

I TAKE MY MEDICINE LIKE A GOOD GIRL, TOOK. THE LOSS OF A NECESSITY, THE LOSS OF A LOT.

I WAS ONCE COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN AND THEN CLAWED AT IT AT NIGHT WHEN MY MIND COULD NO LONGER HOLD BACK THE PAIN.

I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND AM AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS I'VE EVER BEEN AND MY MIND? IS NUMB.

IMAGINE TASTING SALVATION AND THEN NOTHING. I AM STILL ILL AND UNCOMFORTABLE.

IMAGINE.


	21. Mud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 11 - 13 - 18 | Childhood & Trauma

I smell mud. It sinks into my senses and reminds me of something, anything.

Memories erased by trauma.

Mud, dirt, under my fingernails, digging into my palms, clinging to my skin.

What is it?

This memory that won't take form. Why does it make me sad? Make me mourn? Why is it familiar?

When I was a child, perhaps.

Mud, always equivalent to dirty, to trouble. That's what it reminds me of.

But the memories, they won't take shape. It overwhelms my senses and I don't know why.

She should know, someone should have warned her, the pain, the tremendous pain she would feel.

This child, playing in mud, someone should have told her.


End file.
